Not a missionary

Last Spring, longing a way to  do something to help others, I asked my minister if she knew any places where I might serve.  She  had just gotten an email from a NGO the church has been supporting for years asking for volunteers.  She told me about this and I read the website, the mission statement and began to get inspired by the work being done.  I was attracted to the philosophy of the organization that emphasized the mutuality of the work, that I would receive as I gave.  It wasn't the traditional mission, which I couldn't abide.  I prayed and felt this might be just what I'd been wanting to do.  The NGO head said I needed to come over to S. Africa and with my feet on the ground, see what they do and where I might fit in.  And so began my African adventure.  I read and read as many books as I could get my hands one.  I was impressed with the S.African journey to independence and the openness of race relations.  The church's African Ministry team met with me, shared stories of their trip and the blessed my journey.  I blogged while there mostly so the Ministry team could follow my journey  http://www.julianneinsouthafrica.blogspot.com.  I invite you to check out my experience there.  While the experience was full, it wasn't what I expected.  The organization didn't meet my expectations and I found too much violence in the culture.  Capetown is an incredibly beautiful place, the I came home with clarity that this opportunity was not for me, absolutely.  With time, I became only more sure, I would not be going to S. Africa.  It became clear to me that the work that I saw that needed to be done, was work that white S. Africans need to do, not me.   That should have been the end of it, but I continued to feel badly that I had gone so far, invested my time, energy and money in what turned out to be not for me.  I beat myself up, over and over.  But my mind never changed.  And then today I received an email that the NGO was closing down, the founder had left the organization.  My instincts had been spot-on.  Why do I doubt such clarity as came to me?  I still have the desire to be of service, but feel I want to look closer to home.  There is plenty of places right around Berkeley, perhaps not as exciting, but with just as much need.  Trust myself is the lesson.