Richard Cushman

It happens only a couple of times in a lifetime that one gets to know someone who makes a deep imprint upon you.  Richard Cushman was one of those people.  He died a week ago on the day after Christmas still in ICU from terrible injuries sustained in an accident where he was hit and thrown about by an out of control car while walking at the El Cerrito Farmer’s Market.  

I came to know Richard when we both were teachers at College Preparatory School in the 1980’s.  He taught English, me Biology.  He self-identified as a “Mr. Chips” and he truly was.  His quirky personality, his keen intelligence, lively sense of humor and great kindness made him a favorite teacher of many students.  And he so loved his students and taught them to love poetry and literature.  They were family for him and many of them kept in touch with him over the years.  His enthusiasm and joy de vivre were infectious.  His gentleness and politeness made him a man from another time and place.  In addition to teaching, he played the organ every day at St. Albans Church and at Friday services at Holy Spirit Catholic Church in Berkeley.  He loved music.  I’d see him at concerts around town.  And he loved his two cats.  

Yesterday, four of his dear friends, those who visited him daily in the hospital, hosted an Open House for friends, alums and faculty from CPS at his house and pay tribute to him.  I got there early and soon his little house was packed.  I hardly knew anyone.  The alums were mostly young in their twenties and thirties. Eventually I stood in a circle of CPS retired teachers and staff.  Everyone had stories to tell about why they loved Richard.  I spoke with Lara, an alum who told me about Richard getting the students to sing to the flowers he was planting at CPS (probably on an Earth Day Celebration) because the plants grow better when they hear music.  And so every time she plants flowers, she remembers that.  I met an English teacher at CPS, Joanne, who taught with Richard for eight years who told me he always had the English office in laughter.  Her story was about Richard teaching poetry.  He had the students recite the poems together so they could feel the rhythm and music in the verses.  Oh, she said, he did the intellectual stuff too.  My strongest memory is from the conversations in the lunchroom.  He always had the table in stitches laughing.  I remember a conversation about brocoli.  Somehow he made it ironic, funny and greatly joyful.  I remember standing in front of my fifth period class thinking only Richard could make brocoli so memorable.  

Richard made us all aware of the absurdity of the human condition as he brought laughter to every conversation but I always felt his deep respect for the sacredness of each life.  We shared a deep spiritual side and a love of church.  I can still hear his voice in my head.  I imagine him walking up to the Pearly Gates of Heaven and bringing laughter and joy to the angels while he teaches them the joy of literature and music.  He will be sorely missed by many.  

Christmas Day

 A spiritual mentor of mine always said the Christmas and Easter holidays are times of great spiritual presence and as I can tell that is true.  Christmas is a holiday to share with family and friends and that is just what Bob and I did.  It is a time of connection with those we love.  It’s a time when differences fade as we are together again.  We FaceTimed our family in Innsbruck, reaching out across the thousands of miles to touch each other.  We called others.  

Here, Arne and Karna and kids came late Christmas Eve morning to be with us.  Let me not forget Boba the family canine who has a definite presence and won’t be overlooked.  He seemed to know it was a special holiday and cuddled up to each of us at different times.  To be sure I snuck him a few bits of ham and let him lick the pans and plates from Christmas Eve dinner.  Soon as they arrived, Bob and Liam headed for the shop and did what they wanted there.  Elsa and I decorated the Christmas cookies she baked the day before.  It was fun to see her abundant creativity and pleasure in doing this.  The cookies got prettier and prettier.  Bob and I went to church for the Christmas service at 5.  The church was crowded and it was a beautiful meaningful service.  I was honored to read words that I found spiritually powerful from the beginning of John.  When we got home again the dinner soon on the table.  After dinner, the grandkids watched “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”and ate popcorn.  It was a cozy comfortable time together.  Christmas morning Arne and I cooked waffles together.  The pace was slow and relaxed.  It wasn’t until 9:30, we moved into the living room to open our presents.  I was thrilled with the handmade presents that Liam and Elsa made for me.  Liam gifted his mother a cribbage table that took him two years to complete.  Arne teased us all by very very slowly opening his presents.  His family loved this, laughing until they had tears in their eyes.  Our friends, Nancy and Larry came over for a visit, which is a tradition we all love.  And then, it was over, everyone left.

But that was ok because Bob and I had to change to get ready to go to dinner at our friends Torsten and Tineke’s house.  We were invited to come to their family Danish “Kold Bord.”  It had been many years since I’d experienced such a meal and it brought back many memories from our time living in Denmark in the l960’s.  At the long table candle-lit, we were greeted by a speech by Torsten, the patriarch of the family saying what he liked about each one present.  We all raised our glass of aquavit saying “Skol” to each other.   At our places, there was a stack of three plates, indicating there was going to be at least three courses.  First was the fish course, with seven different kinds of herring to be eaten on thinly sliced dark rye bread.  For me, it was surprising that each bite tasted better than the one before it.  Second, was a course of red cabbage and sausages.  Oh my, I was full after that even though I’d eaten very small helpings.  Then came the third course which was sliced salamis and liver pate to be eaten on bread.  Throughout, the snaps and beer were poured.  We toasted other.  It was a joyful jolly feast and I felt it was a privilege to be included with their family. 

Home, I reflect on how rich and wonderful our life is.  Christmas was wonderful and even though I missed having Paul’s family and Erik with us, I appreciated the lower key pace of this year’s celebration.  

Doing the Good That is Ours to Do

These days the news makes me sick to my stomach.  I think many people feel the same way around here.  My response to DT and now President Musk is to withdraw and to not to respond emotionally.  It’s hard because I care so much but it is the way many Democrats are protecting themselves.  The pundits tell me we must resist.  How do I resist is my question.

Interestingly, I think my minister gave me the key.  Last Sunday’s Advent theme was “Doing the Good That is Ours to Do.”  In her sermon she gave the following example.  She has a really good friend with whom she has not spoken for a long time.  They had a falling out over differences about religion and politics.  As she was writing her sermon, she realized she needed to call her friend.  It was a hard but she did it and the call restored their relationship and friendship.  It was one small thing that she could do.  Inspired by this, I thought I need to call Cousin Cindy.  She is a rabid supporter of Trump and in my opinion has been brainwashed by Fox News which is on 24/7 for the last more the fifteen years.  Her political views are extremely opposed to mine.  I hadn’t spoken to her in probably two years as I felt I had nothing to say to her.  As I was writing a Christmas card to her, I thought now is the time to call.  So I did.  Needless to say, she was surprised and I think pleased by my call.  I wished her a Belated Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas.  I asked how she was doing and learned she has been deeply seriously depressed for quite a while.  Not a word about politics was spoken.  I realized this was my little bit of good that I could do.

Doing good is a powerful form of resistance to the evil I see around me.  It is easy for me to discount what I do thinking it doesn’t matter or that it won’t make a difference. But it does matter greatly.  Upholding my values and putting them in action, even in uncomfortable settings, can inspire others to uphold their values and resist the low level morality we see around us.  These mitzvahs don’t need to be big and grand, just little things along the way each day.  I feel good about reconnecting with Cousin Cindy.  I think it made a difference.  So bit by bit, we resist by doing the good that is ours to do.  

Blue Christmas

Elvis Presley’s “Blue Christmas” carol has been going through my mind recently.  It’s a rhythmic blues song about the loss of his girlfriend and how sad he is this time of year without her.  The Church has taken over this idea and it’s now common to have a “Blue Christmas” service focused on the sadness and loss some people feel during the holidays.  I attended this service at our church last Sunday, partly out of support for our minister and partly out of curiosity.  It was a lovely meditative “stars and cystals” sort of service including a sound bath made by the singing sound of big glass bowls being played, rather like rubbing a wine glass to hear its song.  About twenty of us lay on the floor of the church listening, grieving and wondering.  While I wasn’t sad when I went, I did remember Bob’s brother who died last summer and all the losses I’ve experienced especially during my long Covid experience.  After the service ended, we were invited to walk the labyrinth outside.  It’s a kind of circular maze path one walks twisting and turning about until arriving at the center.  There, one rests and I tend to face the four directions: north, east, south and west.  This year when I faced in four directions I thought of the four seasons:  spring, summer, autumn and winter.   I considered the seasons of my life.  At my age, I’m clearly in the season of winter.  Walking the labyrinth, one supposed to not think of anything, but to wait expectantly to see what comes up.  As I walked back from the center to the beginning, I got a strong feeling that in life, it’s not the destination that is important but the journey.  I remembered the wisdom my old dad imparted to me.  As he was walking out to get on an airplane, he turned back toward me and said “It’s all good, Julie” and that was the last time I ever saw him, the last words I ever heard him say.

How can our journey which now for me is filled with so much loss be good?  With this on my mind,  I went back into the social hall for hot chocolate and snacks.  A woman I quite like came up and sat next to me for a chitchat that was anything but superficial.  She told me how she had stopped driving in September.  What a big loss, I thought and she’s younger than me.  She said it wasn’t really that hard to do once she decided to do it.  The biggest problem was worrying about it beforehand.   So we began to talk about being in the winter of our lives and how winter is defined by loss and rest and sleep in the Natural world.  She began to get worked up and said, “Yes, I’m experiencing loss and letting go of a lot of things, ideas and beliefs, but I’m really excited to see what is coming!”   She went on, “For me, I think about how when I was born, there was loss of the safety and comfort of the womb and being born involved loss.”  Whoa, what profound thoughts those were.  She’s excited and curious about what’s to come next.  As I approach the biggest mystery of my life with trepidation if not a lot of fear.  I sincerely believe where there is loss and letting go, that creates space to find new things and perhaps to  purely and fully recognize who we are.    

After dinner with friends last night, we were Air-dropping photos across the room from IPhone to IPhone.  I thought, “hmmmm, how does that work?  Could death be like that?  Somehow slipping through what we understand as reality to a new place?”  Hmmmmm.  Much to consider.  

  

We Got a Tesla

 We did it!  Saturday we drove up to Rocklin and brought home a brand new 2025 Tesla Y.  Ever since we got rooftop solar, Bob has been dropping hints that he’d like to get an EV.  I said, “No way.  First of all, I didn’t want to spend the money and second I didn’t want to give any support to Elon Musk.”  But last weekend at dinner with our friends, Bill and Christney, they told us their children wanted them to get a Tesla because it is so much safer than a Prius.  Ohhh, I thought, “safer.”  Safety is a big thing for me in cars.  So I got to thinking about safety and said to Bob, “perhaps we should look at a Tesla.”  He didn’t let any grass grow under his feet lest I change my mind.

Last Wednesday we went down to the Emeryville Hyatt for a test drive of a Tesla Y.  The car was parked behind the hotel, hooked into a charger.  There was no person involved in this test drive.  We walked around the Tesla and wondered what to do.  It was locked.  Bob called a phone number he had and finally after waiting on hold got Kevin, who told us their key was in the Tesla App on Bob’s phone.  We got into the car and then we didn’t know how to start it.  “This is going to be a steep learning curve, I thought.”  There are no buttons to push, no knobs on the dashboard, only a big computer screen.  We got the car started and then had to figure out how to get it in gear.  All this without a person to help us.  Finally after half hour with another phone call to Kevin (at some unknown Tesla site), we got going.  We were told we could have an extra hour for our test drive.  We decided to drive up to our house to see if the car was high enough off the ground it would go on our driveway with scraping..  The Tesla passed our test.  Bob quite liked the way the car handled, the comfort and ease with which it drove.  He liked sitting higher.  I found it very comfortable and realized that a bigger screen is actually safer to glance at than the much smaller screen on the IPhone.  I was impressed with the software that provides bells and dings and even corrective stopping when something unsafe is done.  We both really liked the Tesla and eventually decided that is what we wanted.  I had to swallow my bile about supporting Elon Musk.  

Next Bob had to figure out how to buy it, there being no sales rep or saleroom.  This too was done over the internet, with no person around, except on the phone to help.  Kevin (he must be getting tired of our questions) patiently helped us out.  There were no cars like we wanted in the Bay Area.  There was one in Rocklin, east of Sacramento.  We put our $250 down on that one and made an appointment to pick it up on Saturday morning.

We drove up to Rocklin on Saturday morning and found a bustling very busy actually was a brick and mortar Tesla dealership.  We went inside the showroom.  It reminded me of an Apple showroom except instead of phones and computers, there were cars.  Four cars, one of each model and a Tesla robot too.  There were high tables we stood at while Bob paid for the car using his IPhone for the bank transfer.  It was so modern.  We got out to the car and the salesman (whose name I never learned) asked if we had any questions.  Bob wanted phone numbers so if there were problems, he could talk to somebody.  The young salesman was impressively patient with us and answered all our questions.  Even when I asked him what I should be asking that I hadn’t.  And off we went.  After lunch at the local Taco Bell in honor of Bob’s brother (who loved Taco Bell’s), we got on the freeway.  Bob followed me all the way home.  And now there is a brand new Tesla in our driveway.  We are thrilled and I hope to overcome my reticence and try driving it in the next few days.  What a Christmas present we have given each other!!!!  

Gift of Friendship

 The long Thanksgiving holiday has passed.  From days before to this moment,  I have been blessed with reminders of precious friendships.  I have been thinking about how important friends and family are in these challenging times and as one gets older.  Maybe it’s because I’m not so busy as I was when we were raising the family and working.  Now I have time to invest in my friendships.  Friends are mirrors in which we see ourselves.  Like a sunset, each friendship is beautiful and unique.  There is no place for harsh judgments of traits we don’t like in ourselves.  Friends take us as we are and their love magnifies our beauty.  While we don’t get to choose our family, we do get to choose our friends.

Bob and I were invited to my friend Sharona’s table.  Thanksgiving is her favorite holiday and she hosts a large gathering with all her family plus various friends.  She has done this for as long as I’ve known her (which is more than 44 years).  This year we were 18 people packed in her little in-law house behind the big house where she raised her family and now her son and family live.  She has the preparation down from years and years of hosting Thanksgiving dinners.  She actually has a notebook called “The Book” full of instructions and tips honed over the years.  For example it tells her when to  order the turkey,, how many potatoes to buy, when to make the various dishes.  Bob commented the gravy was delicious and she jumped up from the table and showed us a pitcher that had the opening for the spout on the bottom so she could pour out the turkey juices without getting any fat in the gravy.  

Her table was long and beautiful.  Each place was identified with a pressed leaf with a name on it.  She starts the dinner by asking us if we have anyone we want to remember, someone who died in the previous year.  And there’s a moment of silence.  Then the food is passed, the dinner and the conversation begin.  After a generous passing of time, we, sated from all the food, rest.  The plates are collected, and the dessert table is set out.  The warmth and ease of conversations lets me know, we are among friends.  My heart is filled and I know I am blessed.  I am grateful for friendship and  that is what Thanksgiving is all about.